How's Your Friendship Game?

No, really.  How Is It?

Mine wasn’t so good awhile ago. I was surrounded by people but felt lonely. I had bought into the lie that I had been fed most of my corporate career. The lie that most professional women seem to accept. The lie that it is lonely at the top. Then I saw powerful, successful, Godly women taking ground for the kingdom, winning in business and modeling Godly friendships. 

My heart leaped. I wanted it. I knew I didn’t have it but I wanted it and that is when my journey began.

I started talking to God about it and guess what he said? He told me I sucked at being a friend and if I wanted friendships like the ones I was noticing, we had work to do. Uh-oh. I was really hoping he would bring me some awesome girls. Instead, he started working on my heart. Pruning. Molding. Healing. Renewing. 

Seriously guys, it was hard. I learned some things about myself that I really didn’t like and definitely wasn’t proud of. But I wanted something different so I knew I needed to keep letting him do his thing.

One of the hardest things I heard him say, came right in the middle of a mini tantrum I was throwing about some past hurts that I couldn’t wrap my head around. I kept asking God, why? And he finally said, “stop asking me why, and ask me who you’ve hurt”. The list was long and the apologies were humbling but also the start of something new.

The bible has lots to say about Godly friendships, here are a few of my favorite nuggets. 

They CELEBRATE! 
Yes, they genuinely celebrate your accomplishments. Really celebrate. Not in a lip service type of a way. I was definitely convicted here. Why could I genuinely celebrate for some and not for others? Because my heart wasn't right. Jealousy was playing a role in some relationships and I needed some refining. There really isn't any place for jealousy in a God-breathed friendship. If the relationship is solid your accomplishments become their accomplishments because more than likely you contributed to the success. 

Think about it. The prayers you poured over them, the support you provided, and even in some cases the accountability. All were MASSIVELY important during the season leading up to their success. And vice versa. Check out what the scripture says about jealousy. 

In James 3:14-15 "But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes down from above, but is earthly, natural, demonic." I've been here and know I will be here again. Our flesh is weak but that is where repenting comes into play. Confess, repent and watch God work. 

They SPEAK TRUTH!
This can be hard to do and even harder to hear.  When it comes from a place of love, you know you have a keeper on your hands. Seriously, this is a friend you can trust to tell you things that are really for your own good, even if you may not want to hear it. This is a woman of prayer and you know that she goes before God for YOU to seek WISDOM on your behalf. She doesn't speak foolishly or simply to fill the air, she is intentional with her words and holds you to the fire when you've acted out of character. Oh man, I cherish the ladies in my life that play this role. And it works both ways. Who are you praying over, seeking wisdom for and speaking intentional words over?

“Brethren, if any person is overtaken in misconduct or sin of any sort, you who are spiritual [who are responsive to and controlled by the Spirit] should set him right and restore and reinstate him, without any sense of superiority and with all gentleness,” Galatians 6:1. Did you catch that ... no superiority ... 

GOSSIP FREE ZONE! 
Godly friends aren't gossips. Eeeeeeek, I was super convicted in this area. I gossiped WAY TOO MUCH. I needed major refinement in this area. 

The Bible has a TON to say about gossipers. Can you comfortably share something with your friend and know without a doubt that your conversation will stay private? True friends are honest and trustworthy with matters of the heart. A real friend will defend you in public and confront you in private. They have your back and stand up for you when you aren't around. Do you do that for anybody or do you fall right into the gossip trap. Check out what Proverbs 20:19 has to say about gossip, “whoever goes around as a gossip tells secrets. Do not associate with a person whose mouth is always open.”

They are GIVERS!
Godly friends are givers. They freely share their gifts with the world and are quick to give to their friends. Both parties give sacrificially without hesitation. Did you catch BOTH. It’s a give and take, not just a take. Sacrifices are made in these relationships. I admit I have sacrificed some sleep to sit up with a crying girlfriend, or have missed scheduled appointments because a friend was in need, and so have others for me. Friends who take from theirs to give to ours; these are the most treasured friendships.

“Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13)

Who is refreshing your soul?

If you feel like you're lacking here, it starts with YOU! Work on being a better friend and you'll start to attract the exact same thing!  Maybe you’re like me. Lonely. Longing for friendship. I want to help. Here are three things you need to know.

The first one is we were made for community. We are wired that way. When God is at the center, the relationship is different. It’s not perfect but it’s different. There is a peace, a confidence and a love that is amazing. And for you to experience it, God needs to work on your heart first.

Second, friendship requires sacrifice and can be hard. To have a sisterhood type tribe, you have to be a good friend and that means showing up. If you’re only willing to invest once in awhile, or that one annual girls getaway trip, you will have relationships that are the same. If you don’t call back, text back and IM back, you won’t experience a deep sisterhood. If you are notorious for canceling or going dark, you’re robbing yourself.

I totally understand that everybody is busy and that it is hard to find time. You might even be exhausted but if you want friendships you’re going to have to find time for them and that means that you show up in a way that they need you. Not in a way that makes sense for you. Trust me, I hate the phone but if one of my friends says she needs to talk, I talk. It isn’t about me. It’s about her and me showing up in a way that resonates with her.

Make sure you have the right boundaries but you need to show up.

And last, you need to choose. You can’t be besties with everybody. None of us have that type of time. So choose your friends wisely. Love everybody, but do life with a handful. I heard Beth Moore say it like this: Be authentic with all. Transparent with some. And intimate with few. 

And this means, you are an active member of the relationship. Pursue them. Make sure they know they matter. Send messages to check on them. Listen to them. Really listen to them and how they feel about things. Grab a gift for them when you’re moved to. Drop your schedule for them when they need you.

Let me give you hope, sweet one. God has friends for you. Start the journey with him and watch what he does!